President Trump became the first American president to be hosted at a second state visit to Great Britain this week. The President was greeted with a parade of British soldiers wearing dress red uniforms and marching in perfect unison while ragtag American soldiers popped up from behind rocks and trees and shot at them until they surrendered.

Trump and his wife Melania were given a lavish state dinner at Windsor Castle. Trump told the other guests that he was astounded by the beauty of the castle, and said it was absolutely amazing what you could do with Legos.

The dinner was attended by many British dignitaries including Prime Minister Keir Starmer, who gave a brief toast in which he pledged to continue lowering the British voting age until the electorate was ignorant enough to keep the Labour party in power. 

Also at the Dinner was Education Minister Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa, the founder of the Fatwa Pre-School for the Grooming of Naughty but Strangely Alluring Little White Girls. The Education Minister presented Trump with a ceremonial scimitar which, luckily, just missed when the president turned his head at the last minute to point at a chart showing just how many Islamists he plans to deport after meeting Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa.

The dinner was also attended by the mayors of several major British cities, including Mayor Fatwa Mohammed Mohammed Fatwa, the mayor of Birming-al-hambra, and, of course, the mayor of London, Sadiq Khan Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa followed by several more Fatwas and Mohammeds.

The dinner began with a grace said by the Archbishop of Canterbury, who was then arrested for praying within 300 miles of an abortion clinic. Kemi Badenoch, the leader of Britain’s Conservative Party, called the arrest absurd, saying Britain was a Christian nation, after which she was arrested for violating the blasphemy laws. Keir Starmer explained that the U.K. absolutely has free speech but only as long as you talk silently to yourself and are not within 750 miles of an abortion clinic, where such talk could be mistaken for praying to the God of love and life, which would be offensive to the nation’s terrorists. Fortunately Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa did not hear Kemi Badenoch’s offensive remark because he was busy on the phone, arranging the sale of some of his pre-school students.

King Charles III then gave a speech, in which he spoke warmly of the special relationship between the U.S. and the U.K., saying that the two nations shared many values, although he couldn’t name them for fear of being arrested. President Trump then rose and also gave a speech, saying that Great Britain was one of his favorite places in the middle east, even though he’d gotten a much nicer present from Qatar, who gave him a jet, while the British only gave him some cheap oil painting of Winston Churchill, which was then confiscated for spreading imperialist ideas that were offensive to the Muslims who were conquering the country.

The affair ended with Princess Kate and Melania Trump trying to decide who was more glamorous with an arm wrestling match. Princess Kate managed to pin the First Lady, but Melania responded by taking off that gigantic circular hat she wears and spinning it at Kate as if it were Oddjob’s derby in “Goldfinger.” Fortunately for relations between the two nations, Kate managed to duck, and the hat sailed past her and beheaded Mohammed Fatwa Fatwa Mohammed Fatwa, who congratulated the First Lady on mastering the essentials of sharia law.

After the dinner, Trump accompanied Prime Minister Starmer on a tour of factories and businesses that Labour has destroyed by their socialist policies. Trump said he was delighted to make the state visit, but said next time he had to come to one of these crap-hole countries, he hoped it would be someplace like Haiti, so at least he could get some sun.

* * *

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Continue reading this exclusive article and join the conversation, plus watch free videos on DW+

Already a member?