The original was an absolute classic. 

The premise is that a business tycoon is struggling for control of the footwear company, at which he is a founder and board member.

Left with no resort, he plans a leveraged buyout of the company with his life savings. It is at this point that the tycoon learns that his son has been abducted and a demand of ¥30 million as ransom is made.

In time, it is learned that the chauffeur's son was actually kidnapped, but the ransom demand remains the very same. It is up to the tycoon to decide his next course of action.

In the remake, the tycoon is replaced by a music mogul, played by Denzel Washington, who is struggling to maintain control of his record label. The abduction takes place, and the kidnapper abducts the son of Washington's chauffeur and man Friday instead of his son. In the movie, both teens are black, and so is the kidnapper.

It always baffles me why filmmakers opt to remake near-perfect films. The standards set by the original are almost impossible to surpass. Quite often, an original classic is so beloved by a section of the audience that, irrespective of the merit of the remake, it will be panned.

The 2025 remake of the Kurosawa classic was an unmitigated failure that never even threatens to be interesting, despite Denzel Washington attempting to pour life into the proceedings.

However, a remake could have been effective if it were through a satirical lens, which was probably the only way it would have been a reimagining of the classic.

So here's my idea for a remake. If there are any producers out there, you know where to reach out to me.

In this satire, the kidnapper happens to be white, the police thwart his plan, and the chauffeur's son returns safely home.

Instead of focusing on the crime, the mainstream media brands the kidnapper a racist because he confused one black man with another.

The media interviews the kidnapper's former accomplices, who swear he never made a mistake before, i.e., he always picked up the correct individual, but they were all white. 

To defend himself from accusations, the kidnapper claims that he once picked up a Chinese youth correctly from a house of Chinese nationals. An accomplice attests to this claim while the other dismisses the kidnapping of a Chinese youth as apocryphal. Some media pundits claim that his mere mention of the Chinese nationals proves that the kidnapper is a racist. 

The race angle is amplified on social media by paid bots.

BLM demands the death penalty, and celebrities begin donating to BLM.

Candace Owen 'discovers' a photo of the kidnapper at a Bar Mitzvah ceremony and wearing a yarmulka, she says the source is trusted, but since various intelligence agencies are out to get her, she has to conceal the identity of her source. Owen claims the kidnapper had visited Tel Aviv during his youth and produces another photo as proof. When people notice that the photos look fake, she dismisses them as agents of Mossad. She urges viewers to stay tuned to her YouTube channel for shocking revelations. 

The media claims the kidnapper is a Trump supporter and releases a hazy photo of him wearing a red MAGA cap. 

The kidnapper says he is a devout liberal and is offended at being a Trump supporter more than he is by his record as a criminal. He says the red cap actually had Hillary 2024, on it; the kidnapper's mother reveals this cap to the media. 

The kidnapper claims he runs a social media account, where he has been vicious to Trump; liberals dispute that it was the kidnapper who actually runs the anti-Trump account. 

The kidnapper claims to have voted for Hillary Clinton, and he supported Hilary even during the 2003 primary. The liberals and feminists in the media and beyond are momentarily silenced. 

But Joy Reid points out that his vote for Hillary in the 2003 primary meant that he opposed Obama, and it is ironclad proof that he is a racist. The rest of the media sheep follow, and the kidnapper is now a confirmed racist.

The kidnapper declares that he is transitioning and has always felt he was trapped in the wrong body, which causes the liberals to pause their outrage.

In time, the media find a black criminal who claims that the kidnapper once refused to work with him on a heist job, and it is proof of the kidnapper's racism. The kidnapper insists that the black criminal was known for his incompetence.

Joy Reid jumps in again and says that this is proof that the kidnapper cannot see competence in a black person, and hence is undoubtedly a racist.

The kidnapper claims Reid is transphobic; the kidnapper's lawyer claims that calling a black person incompetent at crime is actually an anti-racist position. 

Vivek Ramaswamy takes to X to claim that immigrants, who are taught from childhood to be meticulous in whatever they do, would never make such a rookie mistake such as confusing their target. Vivek is trolled and asked to go back to where he came from. Ramaswamy claims he is campaigning in Cincinnati, Ohio, the place of his birth and where he came from. 

The kidnapper declares he no longer plans to transition but merely identifies as non-binary and attacks the Trump administration for stopping the funding of transition surgeries for jail inmates. His attack on the Trump administration earns him some fans and some silence from the media. The kidnapper then hires a female black lawyer in addition to his existing lawyer; this, too, buys him silence from the media.

During the court hearings, there are interruptions and yells of 'racist scum' and 'black lives matter.'

Left with no option, the kidnapper claims that it wasn't him but rather his accomplice who was responsible for picking up the target. The kidnapper claims the driver of their getaway vehicle hadn't turned up, and hence, he was in the car. He says he cannot reveal the identity of the accomplice.

The trial continues.

Next, the accomplice surrenders to the authorities and confirms the claim that it was he who confused the black teens. The accomplice provides his testimony via Zoom and from an undisclosed location to protect his identity. His face is purposefully obscured by a ski mask to obscure his face and his voice is altered.  

The trial continues.

Days later, when the kidnapper is being escorted out of court, an unidentified individual steps forth from the crowd and shoots him dead, and the assassin shouts 'Black Lives Matter,' and soon the crowd joins in, and the chants grow louder and louder.

The kidnapper's accomplice, who has just testified, removes his ski mask and is revealed to be black. Upon learning that the kidnapper was shot dead, he realizes that his sacrifice was futile, and he regrets surrendering to the authorities.