— Legal Settlements to Fund New Activist Flotilla

In a surprise press conference streamed live from her carbon-neutral sailboat, climate activist Greta Thunberg declared that she is filing to copyright her now-famous UN outburst, “How DARE you!”, citing “unethical overuse” by journalists, comedians, and skeptical bloggers.

“Every time someone says it ironically, that’s unpaid emotional labor,” Greta reportedly told the gathered press corps. “Intellectual property should include moral outrage. If Taylor Swift can trademark ‘This sick beat,’ then I can copyright ‘How DARE you!’”

Thunberg announced that all proceeds from future lawsuits and licensing agreements would go toward funding a “People’s Flotilla for Planetary Justice”, an initiative she says will “sail in solidarity with all oppressed peoples and endangered plankton.”

“We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” she added, “especially now that we’re combining climate justice with geopolitical justice, maritime justice, and maybe a little dietary justice if the catering goes vegan.”

According to leaked documents from the newly formed HowDareYou Foundation, media outlets found using the phrase without permission will be required to pay cash or carbon offsets in the form of “emotional restitution.”

Meanwhile, Hollywood insiders report that Netflix is already in talks for an eight-part docuseries tentatively titled ‘Greta: The Wrath of DARE.’

Environmental economists have expressed confusion. “I’m not sure outrage is a renewable resource,” said one skeptical analyst. “At this rate, the global supply may be depleted by 2030.”

When asked whether her flotilla would rely on fossil-free sails or battery-powered oars, Thunberg responded:

“The point isn’t how we get there. The point is to look righteous while we do.”

As of press time, several activists were reportedly crafting papier-mâché replicas of the Titanic “as a metaphor for capitalism,” while Greta was seen sketching designs for her new flagship vessel, The HMS Hypocrisy Awareness.

(Parody – for entertainment purposes only)

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