After the sudden resignation of their leader The Right Honourable Caliph Keir Sheikh Starmer bin Mohammad, the British people are waiting nervously to see who Muslim elders will choose as his successor.

Starmer bin Mohammad served less than two years as Prime Minister under the British Emirate of the Islamic Caliphate of Western Europe, which includes France, Sweden, Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Norway, Switzerland, and Denmark.

“We leave office proud of the work we were able to achieve here in the Emirate on behalf of our new arrival friends, to whom we owe so much cultural enrichment,” Starmer bin Mohammad said, flanked by two men holding AK-47s and whose faces were covered by keffiyehs. “Never had goat before!” he clucked before immediately scream-crying, “Allah forgive me!”

One of the keffiyeh-clad gentlemen clubbed him with the back of his gun, encouraging him to finish the statement.

“We worked diligently to make English streets the ideal hunting ground for our good friends to find their spiritual awakening through ritual beheadings, knife attacks, and rapes,” he blubbered. “We allowed them to kill as many of our countrymen as we could find — though much work remains.”

“Of one thing I am absolutely certain: No one can call me racist,” Starmer bin Mohammad said. “I have many Muslim friends now, so many wonderful Muslim friends, and they’re really good and loyal friends too. Ask any one of them, and they’ll tell you I am not racist and that we are all really good friends and hang out together. Couldn’t ask for a better legacy.”

Starmer bin Mohammad had been vying for the top position since before the caliphate had even fully formed. From 2008 to 2013, as Director of Public Prosecutions, he made major inroads with his future Muslim overlords by allowing some 13,000 of them to get away with the rape and trafficking of young British girls, according to the British Rape Gang Inquiry Report.

That report also showed that at least 250,000 British girls were raped, trafficked, and tortured almost exclusively by Muslim Pakistani men since the 1950s.

Once he became prime minister, Starmer bin Mohammad’s government did even more to shield his Muslim friends from accountability for relentlessly raping his own people. He even shut down public speech so that actual British people were not allowed to talk about their new Third World neighbors.

“Britons are just a couple thousand raped British girls away from finding the peace their religion and culture are so famous for,” he became famous for saying.

The British people will know when a new leader has been chosen when leaders conduct a ritual beheading of 72 British infidels at St. James’s Park The Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, Man of Perpetual Peace Park, next to Buckingham Palace.

Breccan F. Thies is the White House correspondent for The Federalist. He is a co-recipient of the 2025 Dao Prize for Excellence in Investigative Journalism. As an investigative journalist, he previously covered education and culture issues for the Washington Examiner and Breitbart News. He holds a degree from the University of Virginia and is a 2022 Claremont Institute Publius Fellow. You can follow him on X: @BreccanFThies.