We swore we'd never do this again. We'll just have to accept the fact that we are never going to get this motherf—er off our list. Hunter Biden's world-historic run continued in 2025 after his prolific crack-fueled crime spree was expunged in a sweeping pardon signed (allegedly) by his dad, the former president sometimes known as Sleepy Joe.

Aspiring entrepreneurs, take note: This is why you always set aside 10 percent for the Big Guy. Pay the insurance premium. Do whatever you want, and never face the consequences. When you're a great man, they let you do it.

In the wake of Sleepy Joe's ignoble demise, many assumed Hunter would retreat into obscurity. Focus on his "art," have lots of sex, and spend more time with his illegitimate children. Hunter had other plans. He needed money, because for some reason anonymous foreigners stopped buying his paintings for exorbitant sums. You can take the crackhead out of the hustle, but you'll never take the hustle out of the crackhead.

Eager to assert himself in the field of professional punditry, Hunter took the podcast circuit by storm. He delivered expert commentary on the differences between crack cocaine and powder cocaine. He provided easy-to-follow instructions for how to make the fattest, hardest rocks that really f— you up. He embraced the neocon worldview, threatening to run for president so he could "fucking invade" El Salvador and bring back the illegal immigrants that used to mop up after his orgies at Chateau Marmont.

Hunter really found his voice attacking other Democrats, and made some good points about why they suck. He lashed out at Anita Dunn, the former White House adviser who amassed a $50 million fortune by peddling influence in Washington, D.C., while Hunter was barely getting by on $900,000 while pursuing his passion for Eastern European energy networks. He was the only Democrat courageous enough to tell the truth about the Pod Save America bros—those "junior fucking speechwriters who have been dining out on their relationship with Barack Obama for years, making millions of dollars ... living in Beverly fucking Hills, telling the rest of the world what black voters in South Carolina really want."

Go off, king.

It's about time someone put the pod bros in their place. Jon Favreau, Tommy Vietor, Jon Lovett, Dan Pfeiffer, and Ben "Hamas" Rhodes are technically men, but come on. Add them all together and you'd still get only a fraction of Hunter's masculine vigor. They couldn't hold a candle to his much larger... candle. Just when we thought we couldn't love him any more, we learned this year that Hunter channeled the late, great Dick Cheney by telling Jake Tapper to go f— himself and threatening to pummel his dorkward ass at the 2018 Super Bowl.

If Democrats are serious about reconnecting with male voters, they should stop indulging the Obama fluffer squad and the punchable faces at CNN. Let a real man call the shots for once. All roads lead to Biden 2028.

Until then—welcome back, big dog. See you next year.

P.S. If Olivia Nuzzi calls, don't answer. (You're too young for her, anyway.)