HELL — A wailing, screeching sound was heard from the Devil's office today following the defunding of Planned Parenthood by the United States Government.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" came the sound from Satan's corner office in the 9th circle of Hell. "AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK"

Witnesses claim the tortured wail was so inhuman it gave them chills. "It was super creepy," said Hell resident Adolf Hitler.

Defunding Planned Parenthood is a major blow to Satan, say sin experts, who confirm he relied heavily on the organization's expert use of pseudoscience to make murdering babies sound like a reasonable medical procedure since no one passes children through the fire on altars to Moloch anymore.

"Convincing mothers to get an abortion takes so much work, and Planned Parenthood really helped out a lot. I miss the good old days when mothers didn't need to pretend they were excising a clump of cells and happily killed their babies in exchange for bountiful harvests and good fortune," he said. "Man, Moloch was great."

According to sources, Satan is so distraught over the defunding of Planned Parenthood that he has sought counseling with some of Hell's greatest therapists. Unfortunately, because it's Hell, they all give him bad advice, and he is now more miserable than ever.

"Defunding Planned Parenthood is going to set baby murder back decades," said Satan. "At least I still have Canada."

These British police officers are keeping the streets safe from dangerous weapons.