SACRAMENTO, CA — Following reports that activists were pushing the introduction of Black English in California preschools, Governor Gavin Newsom proudly proclaimed: "We finna teach da' homies Black English, yo!"

The California governor confirmed that he has many black friends and, as such, wanted to make Black English a centerpiece to every child's educational experience. "Because we want every child to learn to communicate with our black brothers and sisters, ya dig?" he said.

California Department of Education officials were initially hesitant to add Black English to the preschool curriculum, but completely caved once Newsom showed how fluent he was in Ebonics.

"I grew up in a po' black neighborhood, an' I know exactly what it mean to be a slave, dat's why we all gotta speak jive," Newsom said. "I'm totally like y'all, man, fo' real. I ain't rich, I'm a erryday governor just tryna make ends meet."

At publishing time, California's ranking in English test scores dropped to the lowest in the nation, even lower than that of rural West Virginia.

Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.