U.S. — In an effort to better reflect the league's values, Major League Baseball announced that it had officially rebranded from "MLB" to "MLBTQ+".

On the heels of controversy over players writing Bible verses on their league-mandated Pride uniforms, Commissioner Rob Manfred felt it was time to make the league's stance on gender and sexuality crystal clear.

"This is who we are now," explained Manfred as he unveiled the new logo. "Nothing is more critical to the mission of Major League Baseball than gay stuff. This rebranding reflects the core purpose of our league, which is to talk about who is having sex with whom. We're not here to just throw a ball around or collect hits, saves, and wins. This isn't about some game. This is about sexual deviancy."

According to league sources, several players pushed back against the change, asking if they could instead just play baseball. "I'd like to just throw the ball," said one pitcher on condition of anonymity. "You know, like, baseball. Try to throw strikes and get people out and all that. I'm just not quite making the connection between this game and gay stuff."

At publishing time, Manfred had announced further plans for the league to promote tolerance by banning all Christians from playing.

After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!