ANN ARBOR, MI — Just moments after news broke that the University of Michigan had fired head football coach Sherrone Moore with cause, Secretary of State Marco Rubio had been tapped as interim coach.

"Marco, Michigan's in big trouble — really big trouble — and I've got a lot of money riding on the upcoming Cheez-It Citrus Bowl. You've got to get in there and win this thing. Everything depends on it," Trump said, interrupting a cabinet meeting to give Rubio a special assignment. "This takes top priority. I don't want you going back to the Middle East until Michigan brings home the Cheez-It Trophy."

According to sources, Rubio has an impossible job ahead of him, considering he doesn't know much about football. Rubio expressed doubt he can take the Wolverines to victory, considering his entire exposure to football is NFL Blitz, which features 30-yard first downs and pile drivers.

"I don't really have the time to coach a football team, but I serve at the pleasure of the president," Rubio said as he met with players ahead of practice. "So let's run some pick sixes or something. I think I heard someone say that before."

At publishing time, Rubio had used his expert statecraft to deftly negotiate a bowl win for the Wolverines without them ever having to play a game.

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