ISENGARD — According to reports coming from the tower of Orthanc, Gandalf has told his fellow wizard Saruman to stop doom-scrolling on his palantír.

A palantír is a mysterious crystal ball forged by the elves of Valinor that allows users to peer into the world wide web of current events going on around them in real-time and communicate remotely with other users. Some critics of palantír technology argue that the Enemy has tampered with the algorithms to only show users content that negatively impairs their mental and spiritual health, causing them to despair.

"Oh no, another person has posted a video of themselves dancing over what happened to Charlie Kirk," wailed Saruman the White. "The whole world has gone to the orcs."

"Saruman, the palantír are not all accounted for," warned Gandalf the Grey. "You don't even know this person. This isn't real life. Go outside and touch some grass for your own peace of mind! Take some of my pipeweed and read a good book, I beg you!"

At publishing time, Saruman was last seen wearing a new robe of many colors to support the causes the ominous glowing orb told him were on the right side of history.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?