World Cup White Pills and Diplomacy
The 2026 World Cup was a smashing success. Over the past 40 days, 16 cities hosted 104 matches between 48 teams who scored 308 goals. Billions of fans made life-long memories watching and celebrating together.
Congratulations to Spain for a well deserved victory. They dominated the competition, beating the last two champions Argentina and France while only allowing one goal in eight games. The signature Spanish style has established a dynasty that includes the 2026 and 2010 World Cup as well as 2008, 2012, and 2024 European Championships. They will host in 2030 as the favorites to repeat.
America won a massive soft power victory. Visitors stood in awe of our massive air conditioned stadiums, Buc-ees, and Walmarts. They learned an important lesson that their media has been lying to them about we the people and our great country. Americans were reminded about what makes this place so special and what we take for granted. There hasn’t been a true first world World cup since Germany in 2006. South Africa 2010, Brazil 2014, Russia 2018, and Qatar 2022 had their charms but 2026 World Cup x America250 is impossible to top.
Will we see a European rumspringa as fans return home to take their freedoms and sovereignty back? Only time will tell. Here are the main winners and losers of the tournament.
Winner: Traditional Catholic Spain
The vast majority of winning countries, coaches, and captains in World Cup history are Catholic. Spain’s manager Luis de la Fuente is a devout Catholic. He quoted Caesar’s “you can't win without suffering” to inspire his team. He had already won the 2024 Euros, 2019 U-21 Euros, and 2015 U-19 Euros with many of his current squad members growing up under his tutelage. Always back a godly warrior poet coach who wears suits and looks like an economics professor.
“God gives me security and strength… both my experience and my intelligence invite me to believe in God… I love it, it gives me a lot of strength, it gives me a lot of confidence. It has allowed me to be the person I am today.”
After scoring the winning goal in the final, Ferran Torres testified: “I have been a very criticized person, but destiny is written and God gives things to the one who deserves them most.” Then he wore a MAKE SPAIN GREAT AGAIN hat at the victory parade. Spain’s captain Rodri won the Golden Ball (Best Player of the Tournament) for anchoring the midfield Spanish spine that controlled possession and left opponents chasing shadows. He too gave thanks to the Lord after a long injury layoff: “I am very Christian and I am sure that there is someone up there helping me.” Teenage defender Pau Cubarsi won Best Young Player and Goalkeeper Unai Simon won Golden Glove for leading a defense that shut out Messi and Mbappe, conceding only one goal for the entire run.
Loser: Progressive Globalist Spain
Despite Spain’s sensational Catholic core, MSM hyped its only Muslim player. Lamine Yamal scored just one inconsequential goal against Saudi Arabia, which was tied with 4 teammates for 4th on the squad. Unsung heroes striker Mikel Oyarzabal bagged 5, midfielder Mikel Merino punched in 2 clutch stoppage time game-winners in the knockout rounds, and defender Pedro Porro tallied 2.
Yet ESPN put Yamal in its headline picture when Spain won and commentators glazed him in every game. He wears the flags of his true royalties on his boots and bows to Allah when he scores. His toddler brother was anointed as the team’s mascot. Spain’s socialist Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez has unilaterally granted amnesty to several million illegals, turning Yamal’s baby photo with Messi into a Camp of the Saints cover.
PS: Spain’s 2010 team may be the greatest World Cup squad ever assembled.
Winner: Argentina and Messi
Down 2-0 against Egypt in the Round of 16 with 15 minutes left, Argentina looked down and out. Then they scored 3 goals to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Messi added to his records with 21 total World Cup goals and 8 in this edition at the age of 39. He scored a critical half-volley to tie that game and never gave up through multiple extra time thrillers, but ran out of gas in the end. He settled the GOAT debate against Ronaldo and left us with an immortal “don’t mess with Messi” meme. His teammates battled hard for him and will have a tough time filling his magical shoes.
Loser: Portugal and Ronaldo
On paper, Portugal assembled the best roster Ronaldo has ever played with. Yet they never formed a cohesive unit. Spain knocked them out in the Iberian derby. Manager Roberto Martinez squandered another golden generation. Ronaldo will never play at the World Cup again. To salt the wounds, Portugal’s football federation removed the Christian cross from its logo and replaced it with a generic demoralized corporate logo. Shed a tear Ronaldo, who was named after Ronald Reagan by a father who fought communists.
Draw: France and England
You can tie in soccer. France and England choked in the semifinals. However, they scored ten goals in an enthralling third place match that ended with a tennis score 6-4 and players praying together.
England survived the crucible of going down a man against Mexico at the Azteca. Big Dan Burn repelled the siege with his towering headers. Captain Harry Kane and Jude Bellingham showed their patriotism singing Wonderwall, Hey Jude, and God Save the King with fervor. The former said he enjoyed golfing with Trump.
France was cruising until Spain ran circles around them. Legend Zinedine Zidane will take over as France’s new manager, but his own son plays for Algeria which is fitting for a team that is almost all non-French. He spawned a meme as he watched his son give up three goals to Argentina.
Winner: Team USA
Like the last time we were hosts in 1994, USMNT inspired another generation of American kids. They fought hard for each other under the inspired leadership of manager Maurcio Potchettino. After every match, they prayed and belted Country Roads with the fans. They even turned the west coast into patriots. Unfortunately, their self-inflicted mistakes led to defeat against Belgium in the Round of 16.
Winner: Norway and Haaland
The viking row took America by storm. Norwegians showed the world what a unique, unified culture looks like with their fun tradition. Striker Erling Haaland won the Golden Aura award, rizzing opponents and fans with his hunger and charm. He assimilated into American culture more in a month than 100 million foreigners living here have in decades.
Loser: Egypt
The country does not allow Coptic Christians to play on the national team and most sports leagues. Egypt’s indigenous population has been stripped of its rights by Muslim invaders - a warning for Europe. The team’s pre-match prayers spewed hate against infidels. After blowing a late 2-goal lead to Argentina, their thuggish coach went on a rampage. They virtue signal for Palestine, but have a massive militarized wall that doesn’t allow a single Gazan to enter.
Winner: Freddy the German
A German anon received the warmest southern hospitality. All he had to do was speak honestly about how much he was enjoying America. Ella Langley, JJ Watt, and countless other patriots opened their homes and hearts to him. Rumor is that he will even get to visit the White House. Every European had a blast, especially the ones that ventured outside the cities. They enjoyed our wide open roads, huge portions, and shooting guns.
Loser: Team Germany
Die Mannschaft crashed out to Paraguay for its first penalty kick loss. They haven’t won a game in the knockout stage since they took home the trophy in 2014. Merkel opened the borders in 2015. Since then, the German football federation prioritized players with migrant backgrounds and locker room tensions grew while the country deteriorated. Diversity is our greatest strength!
Winner: UEFA
European teams represented 6 of the 8 quarterfinalists: Spain, Belgium, England, Norway, France, and Switzerland. It was 8 out of 8 if you count Argentina as European by heritage and Morocco as European by birth and upbringing. France vs. Morocco was an African team from Europe taking on an Arab team from Europe.
Loser: CONCACAF, CONMEBOL, CAF, AFC
These acronyms represent the governing bodies of North/Central America, South America, Africa, and Asia, respectively. The host countries USA, Canada, and Mexico all were trounced in the Round of 16 against elite European teams while Brazil lost to Norway. No African teams made it past the Round of 16 after several of them blew late leads: Congo to England, Senegal to Belgium, and Ivory Coast to Norway. The only Asian teams to advance from the group stages were Japan and Australia, who were promptly dispatched. None of the 20 most populous nations made it to the quarters and most didn’t qualify at all.
Winner: Japanese fans
The Japanese continued their tradition of cleaning up for themselves. In many ways, they are the only first world civilization left. Everyone was charmed by their trademark wholesome enthusiasm and politeness.
Loser: The Dutch and any country with Moroccan fans
Morocco conquered The Netherlands on and off the pitch. In stark contrast with the Japanese, the Moroccan fans are notorious for rioting regardless of the result. Every Dutch city was under siege after their team lost. Many European cities are full of military-aged Moroccans who commit crime and take welfare at far higher rates than any other group. Their country hasn’t been at war, so why have they been allowed to invade the West as “refugees”?
Winner: The Tartan Army
Scotland’s kilted revelers took over Boston. They marched with bagpipes and sang at Fenway Park. If anyone can make stodgy New Englanders loosen up, it’s the Scots. Too bad Ireland and Italy didn’t qualify. Imagine what a blast those fan groups would have had reuniting with their long lost cousins all over the northeast.
Draw: FIFA, VAR, and FOX
Everyone knows FIFA is corrupt. Yet they still shelled out thousands of dollars for tickets and helped FIFA make a record $9 billion in revenue. FIFA is the ultimate NGO and FIFA President Gianni Infantino’s greed may lead to expanding the field further from 48 to 64 in 2030.
The officiating was consistent, yet controversial. VAR is annoying, but mostly got the calls right. The worst decisions were claiming the ball wasn’t touched by a wire to help England tie Norway and that it was touched by a hair to rule out a late game-tying goal Croatia against Portugal. The best decisions were the cards issued for diving to Paraguay and Switzerland.
Fox Sports raked in $250 million for hydration breaks. Zlatan, Thierry Henry, Alexi Lalas, and Rebecca Lowe provided entertaining banter. Lowe often had to intervene to stop the accomplished Europeans from bullying the scrappy American, like a mother protecting her youngest child from two aggressive older siblings. The final halftime show was all over the place. Madonna was her demonic self. BTS was cartoonishly feminine. Shakira shook it with a third world theme. Bieber saved the show with an acoustic Everything Hallelujah.
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