How to read the latest ‘disease apocalypse’ stories

www.americanthinker.com

It’s like a meta-disease: Periodically, my news feeds break out in a rash of headlines about the latest terrifying disease ravaging the U.S. from shoreline to countryside.

Lately, it’s cyclosporiasis. Here are the New York Times, Business Insider, and CBS, among innumerable others, thanking the headline gods for smiling on their content rain dance.

How should you read these panic-inducing stories? Lest I get a 3:00 A.M. no-knock friendly visit from the ghost of Anthony Fauci past, I disclaim that I am not a doctor, and this is not medical advice. Take off just two letters, like a dentist removing some teeth: It is media advice.

Here’s one intro example, from NBC:

Nearly 7,000 people nationwide may have cyclosporiasis, a foodborne illness that can cause weeks of severe diarrhea, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said Tuesday. The bulk of the cases are in Michigan, which has confirmed 3,309 cases.
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In a health alert, the CDC reported that 1,645 people have been sickened by cyclosporiasis across the country, making it one of the largest outbreaks of foodborne illness in the U.S. in years. The CDC urged doctors to be alert for patients with common symptoms of the infection, including watery diarrhea, bloating and nausea.

In parsing this information, consider a few basic principles.

Walk it back: “Nearly 7,000” must mean at most 6,999, but it’s likely less than that. One paragraph later, it’s 1,645.

Whack the weasel: “May have cyclosporiasis,” which “can cause weeks of severe diarrhea.” “May” and “can” here are weasel words, which translate to anywhere from “might not, and we’re covering our butts” to “absolutely the opposite of what comes after.”

What is numbers?: How likely are you to have cyclosporiasis? Remember that 1,645 over America’s approximately 340 million people is...checking calculator...

But there might be millions of undiagnosed cases! This is true, to the extent that “might be” is almost always true. At any given moment, lots of people have diarrhea. You too have a chance of getting it, possibly right after reading this blog post. Stay hydrated (not medical advice!).

The primary goal of these stories is to get you to click links, which raises advertising revenue for websites. Then there are any number of secondary goals — perhaps to sell you something (medications, doctor visits, health insurance), perhaps to fortify your allegiance to the modern health care system, perhaps to terrify you into COVID-era purification rituals. The authors and editors and advertisers may even genuinely care about your well-being. This too is possible. But they’re not giving medical advice any more than I am, and I venture that your peace of mind from not clicking is worth more than the headline-writers let on.

There are many prescriptions for cyclosporiasis, which for our purposes means diarrhea and a flu. One of them is to rush to the emergency room the instant you get off the toilet, submit yourself to any and all manner of humiliating tests, and then pay a pharmacist for several unpronounceable chemicals with superimposed Scrabble-champ names, like Quaximez™. Another is to burn your entire lettuce supply on a Velveteen Rabbit bonfire and hack tiny pieces off your remaining produce like an enthusiastic but still slightly squeamish new serial killer. Another is to click more links, read more stories, and dehydrate yourself by putting off breakfast. Yet another prescription is...not to do any of that.

Again, not medical advice. Media advice: Read these panic stories carefully — or better yet, put down your phone and go outside for five minutes. Just don’t do the sad middle between the two and spiral into hysterics because the New York Times told you to.

If all else fails, take it from a father of six kids under eight: You will survive a bout of diarrhea. It’s going to be cyclo-kay.

Image via PickPik.