I ride the commuter train from a law firm in Chicago to a tiny redneck town on the Wisconsin state line.

Friday night, the train got stopped in the middle of the woods for an emergency.  A pedestrian had been hit by a car, right on the grade crossing.  The police wouldn’t let the train proceed until they cleared their crime scene.

So naturally, I was telling jokes to all the yuppies in my car.  A left-wing 20-year-old Disney princess, with a blue buzz cut, neck tattoos, and a double chin, screamed that I was a racist-sexist-xenophobe-homophobe-Republican-Trump-cult Nazi.

That was good for a laugh, but then she tried to get me thrown off the train in the middle of the woods.  This did not end well for her.

You see, while the train was sitting at the Chicago station, I’d been telling a few jokes to the conductor.  And he was loving it.

So when she started her rant, the conductor said, “Did he touch you, Miss?”

The crowd of yuppies said, “No,” almost in unison.

Then the conductor said, “Did he threaten or proposition you?”

The yuppies said, in perfect barbershop quartet harmony, “No.”  Without missing a beat, I asked, “What makes you think I’d proposition that?”

The conductor said, “Well, I don’t see any drugs or booze or weapons.  I suggest you move to a different car, Miss.  This car, for tonight only, is a comedy club.”

She called him a Republican-Trump-cult Nazi, which didn’t work, because he’s black.  Then she stormed off to the next car and slammed the door like the petulant, overgrown child she is.

I yelled, “I love you too, sweetie.”

About 20 minutes later, we were allowed to pull into an abandoned station so we could step off the train and smoke.  I did.  There she was, one car length away on the platform, vaping like a smokestack.  I yelled, “I’m here all weekend.  Tip your waitress.  Try the veal.”  She glared at me and scurried back up the stairs.

It was epic.  As Barney Stinson might have said, it was legen...wait for it...dary.  You should have been there.

Jim Davis is an I.T. specialist and paralegal, with degrees in political science and statistical analysis, the underpinning of all science.  His work has appeared in Daily Caller, Newsmax, and American Thinker.  You can find him as RealProfessor219 on Rumble.

Image created by the author, using Grok AI.