NEW YORK, NY — The red-hot warmth of collectivism struck a federal immigration court in downtown New York City yesterday, injuring multiple people with its soothing heat.

Witnesses said the spirit of communal living ignited just outside 26 Federal Plaza in Manhattan, followed by screams of joy, presumptively about the end of private property.

"It is a proud day for New York City. We have fanned the warmth of collectivism into a fiery blaze," said Mayor Zohran Mamdani. "This is what true brotherhood and peace look like. Everywhere you turn, the glow of socialism is kindling into a raging inferno. Ah, you can smell the sweet smoke of equity from here."

According to emergency personnel, three people were treated for injuries due to the overpowering, concentrated warmth of collectivism. "Collectivism may have gotten a little too warm and cozy here," said firefighter Kenny Shaw. "A few people suffered inhalation injuries and a few second-degree burns. Collectivism has been known to do that from time to time."

At publishing time, Mamdani had asked that in the future, collectivism try to ignite inside the courthouse where it can get to the people who really need to feel it.

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