GREEN BAY, WI — In preparation for an early work day, local man David Miles drank a cup of coffee so that, in addition to feeling tired, he could also be irritable.

"The caffeine really helps," Miles said as he prepared for a busy day at the office. "Now, I don't just feel tired, but also jittery and easily frustrated by everything all day."

Miles, who works at a major insurance firm in the area, has been described by his managers as a loyal employee who frequently shows up to work on time despite being tired and irritable.

"About midday, he starts to get a lot more mellow, so we always make sure there's a fresh pot of coffee brewing in the break room to keep him going," said Director of Marketing Andrew McCrest. "It gives him that extra boost from just being draggy to instead being draggy and having a short fuse."

According to a new study, coffee drinkers actually live longer, though their longer lives are filled with agitation and a heightened sense of annoyance. "The caffeine in a cup of coffee sharpens the senses," said Dr. Julio Valencia. "This improved mental acuity allows the drinker to become irritated and perturbed at a much faster rate while still remaining somewhat tired."

At publishing time, the ensuing caffeine crash had left David Miles feeling sleepy at the end of his work day, leading him to pour a cup of tea so he could feel sleepy and depressed the rest of the evening.

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