U.S. — On Monday afternoon, President Donald Trump issued an official invitation to the nation of Belgium to cry harder.

Trump asked special envoy Jared Kushner to hand-deliver the invitation, signed by Trump and marked with the presidential seal. Kushner gave the envelope to Belgian Prime Minister Bart De Wever, who opened it to find an ornate invitation bidding his nation to cry harder.

"On account of your nation being a bunch of pathetic crybabies who can't stand a fair fight, I hereby invite all of you to cry harder," read the letter. "Please, boo-hoo at maximum volume, it's such a delightful sound. While you weep into your waffles, think about how I, Donald J. Trump, got our best player back on the 'pitch', as they call it. No idea why they call it a pitch, it makes no sense really, but I did it anyway. If only you had money or nukes, maybe FIFA would listen to you, but you don't. Sad!"

Belgium reacted with outrage to Trump's gracious offer, with thousands of citizens screaming and crying hot tears of rage. "We will do no such thing as cry harder," cried local man Victor Lambert as he cried harder. "Oh no, now I'm crying about being asked to cry! What a vicious cycle of humiliation I've fallen into!"

At publishing time, Trump had sent a second letter in response to Belgium's appeal to FIFA, inviting the European nation to "pound sand."

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