New To Church? Here Are 10 Things You Need To Know
Recent events and turmoil have more people flocking to church now than they have in years, leading to a new wave of visitors who may be unfamiliar with what to expect at church.
To help the newbies, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of things you need to know before visiting a church for the first time.
If you hear "Let's sing that chorus one more time," it means you'll sing it at least another 5 times: Just to be sure God hears it.
Small talk in the lobby is mandatory: Escape is not permitted until you've answered how your week was at least six times.
When the pastor says, "Turn with me in your Bibles," you don't actually have to: Even long-time church members sometimes don't know about this one.
Do NOT sit in the front 3 rows: It's a rule.
It's OK to use a fake name and address on the attendance register: It's a church, not the IRS.
It's considered a faux pas to make change in the offering plate: It doesn't matter if that's what your Dad used to do, it's frowned upon.
If you drop your kids off at the nursery, you have to stay for the church service: That's just basic human courtesy.
Don't drink the coffee: If you do, pretend it's good and only drink it out of peer pressure to fit in.
The doodling pads are for your kids, not you: What did you think they were for? Taking notes?
Do not park in spots marked "Visitor": They are reserved specifically for long-time members who arrive late.
It may seem complicated, but visiting church will be a breeze if you just follow these simple rules. What other things should first-time churchgoers know? Post them in the comments.
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