THE COUNTERTOP — The devastating Cyclospora parasite outbreak that lives on fresh produce tragically struck several beloved members of the VeggieTales cast this week.

Archibald Asparagus first began showing signs of illness over the weekend, with the remaining cast appearing to have been infected by Sunday evening. Monday morning, Larry the Cucumber had been admitted to the ICU and was reportedly in critical condition.

"It doesn't look good, boys and girls," whispered a visibly weakened Bob the Tomato. "This is how it ends. Let's see if Qwerty can bring us one last verse before Larry and I shed this mortal coil. Maybe some Ecclesiastes. Remember, to dust you shall return, boys and girls!"

According to nearby veggies and fruits, not since Dave fought the Giant Pickle has such dread and turmoil gripped the kitchen countertop. "We faced down the boogeyman, but Cyclospora may be too much," sighed Pa Grape, sitting beside Mr. Lunt's hospital bed. "I think it may have come from that new gal, Rhea the Lettuce head, but who knows. All we can do now is pray."

At publishing time, panic had arisen among the cast after the announcement that the only way to remove Cyclospora from veggies was to cook them to at least 158 degrees.

Babylon Bee subscriber Meaghan Peterson contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

A friendly PSA on how to defend yourself from the explosive diarrhea parasite experts say may be found in fresh produce.