MOBILE, AL — Local conservatives Michael and Lacie Barnett were reportedly aghast after walking in on their son Jeffrey watching the FIFA World Cup.

Lacie collapsed into her husband's arms in horror as Michael demanded to know how long this had been going on.

"No! It's not what it looks like!" cried Jeffrey, as he quickly changed the channel to NASCAR. "This is the first time I've ever seen it, I promise. I was just flipping channels during a commercial break. This isn't who I am!"

After taking time to collect themselves, the Barnetts sat down with their son to have "the talk" about soccer. "Look, son, first and foremost, we want you to know that we love you," started Michael. "This is a confusing time in life — you're going through lots of changes, and sometimes people feel an attraction to watching soccer. Your mother and I should never have put you in a position where you even had access to soccer, and for that, we are so sorry. When I was twelve, I actually saw a few minutes of soccer when I was over at a friend's house. I've been there, buddy. You can always talk to us about this, okay?"

At publishing time, the Barnett family had installed a strict new filter that would block soccer from all of their devices.

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